Posts Tagged ‘Life’

The other day I read a story about being the best Father you can be, it really made me think, maybe I wasn’t such a great father.

I tried to be a good father, I worked very hard to provide for my family, I didn’t have a college degree, and I wanted to go into management, so I did what ever it took to get ahead. Once I got into management my hours were long , twelve to sixteen hour days, and to top that off, we lived in Southern California so I had a 45 mile commute each way. I made the mistake of making my priorities of providing a new home, and material things for my family, and not really being there for them like I should have. I wanted all three of my girls to have the best opportunities available to them in regards to schooling, and life, but in the end I wasn’t there.

I do have three wonderful daughters, and a great wife, but I clearly made mistakes along the way, that I wish I could take back. The story I could talk about would take too long to go over it all.

My daughters all have their own families now, and I love them all very much, but the last six years have not been the greatest for me, and now I am disabled, with health issues of my own, and I wish I could do more for them than I can physically or monetarily. And it’s hard to accept, sometimes I feel like a failure.

Time to good bye for now, see you on my blog later. Peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes.

Always remember Rusty loves you!


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I haven’t made an entry into my blog for quite some time, I decided to take a little time and talk about this last year and the depression that goes along with it. First of all, let me state that I am not trying to cry about my life, we are dealt we get, it is what it is. But it does help to talk about it sometimes.

Around the first of April my middle  daughter got into a car accident, she was going home in the wee hours after delivering newspapers, it was raining heavily her car hydroplaned spun out of control and she hit the retaining wall, thank god her car was newer and all the airbags successfully deployed, and other than being scared half to death she came out of it with a few bumps, bruises, and was very sore for a few weeks. Unfortunately, her car was totaled and the insurance only covered paying off the loan. She and her husband have had to settle for an older car, but at least she is alive.

On April 13th my wife and I were dropping off some food for a food bank drive at a friends house, they have a heavily sloped driveway and upon leaving, I had gone out first to follow my friend to their church where they were storing their food donations. I started the car put it in reverse and it wouldn’t move because the emergency brake was still on. I don’t usually set it, so I had trouble finding the release, I put the car in park climbed out to look under the dash to fin the brake release, my wife had come out and was just opened her door to get in, when I hit the brake release, the car went into reverse knocked her over, and the right front tire ran over her left leg, while this was happening I held on to the car, it dragged me approximately 25 feet, and when I let go it ran over both of my legs with the left front tire. My wife suffered major muscle damage to her left thigh, but no broken bones, I had major road rash on my right leg from the dragging, cuts, and bruises to both legs, and fractured my left fibula. We were both out of commission for three weeks, my wounds got infected and took much longer to heal, and I had to go to wound therapy to aid in the healing process, my wounds are basically healed now, but I still suffer pain from the accident.

A week after that our oldest daughter had stopped by to visit her two ailing parents, she stayed longer than normal and left around 11:00 PM to go home. On her way home as she was getting off of the freeway, and a man jumped in her car pointed a gun to her head and made her drive to a secluded park where he brutally sexually assaulted her. he cut off her clothing and then took a knife and started cutting her all over her body, he was getting ready to rape her when a car pulled into the parking lot and scared him away. This was very devastating to her and the family, and she will take a long to heal mentally from the incident.

In June after a brief trip to CA to celebrate my sister and her husbands 50th anniversary, my wife got appendicitis, she had to have emergency surgery to have her appendix removed, and was down another three weeks.

Then after thinking our youngest had escaped all the disasters that have hit our family this yer, she gets into an accident, it wasn’t her fault and her car was totaled. She is still fighting to get the insurance money so he can get a replacement car. She is a single parent raising three kids, on a low paying job, so she doesn’t have a lot of places to turn to, and without the insurance money, she has no way to get a car.

Then I came down with cellulitis in my left foot, which laid me up for 7 weeks, it is getting better now, but not 100% yet.

Needless to say, this experience has left us emotionally exhausted and also wit new medical bills to pay for.

I really miss the days before I became disabled, I could do more for my family than I can do now, right now I can only give them my love and support.

So that is why I am depressed, I need something to brighten my days and help me look forward to better things in the coming year.

So that is it, for now, hopefully, things will improve looking forward. As always Rusty Loves you!



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Living life one day at a time:


Not trying to sound like a saint, or a crybaby, just telling a little of my story, as it is.


I will explain a little about what has happened to me in my life. My wife and I have been married over 43 years, we were very young, she was 17, and I was 18, we didn’t have any children for the first 4 and a half years, so we did get a chance to grow up a little.  We pretty much have always had kids or relatives living with us. Our oldest lived with us after she got married and stayed until 7 years ago, we have taken in stray kids that were friends of our three daughters, in 1997 we moved back to Utah from CA, and bought an old 7 bedroom farmhouse, it was a two story, with two kitchens, and after our oldest moved out we let me niece and her husband move in upstairs, also during that time, our youngest and her husband moved in with us for two years, out middle daughter also moved in and out three times, my wife’s niece was going to be homeless, and her and her 3 boys moved in for a year. we also helped a couple more of our daughters friends during their rough and trying times, by opening our house to them, seems like we were always the place for people we knew falling on hard times as a place to go, we never said no to anyone in need.

That all fell apart in 2011, when I lost my job and became disabled due to severe neuropathy. I still tried to find work to no avail, we sold everything we owned trying to stay in that house, finally losing it in 2013, we were forced to live with our middle daughter and her husband for a year, finally my disability money kicked in and we now live in a small 3 bedroom manufactured home, thought we were going to be alone when I found out an old business associate was going to be homeless, we let her move in for a few months. I still had that open door policy.

Then last March we took in our three youngest grandchildren, their lives have been very rough and each of them have their own special needs, the oldest has ADHD, the middle one is working through medical bowel issues, the youngest is autistic, so between doctors, school, counseling, and all the other things that come with raising 3 young children it has taken it’s toll on the two of us, to top that off in January of 2015, my father came back to UT, due to his health moved in with my sister, and because she still worked I became his chauffeur, working with the VA, and his doctor appointments, which averaged 8 a month, sometimes more, he passed away at 89 this last October, which again really affected me, because in the 19 months he was here our relationship grew closer then ever, but, I still had to take care of the grandkids, it didn’t leave me much time to grieve, that could have been good though.  It seems that our other grandkids have grown more distant from us, they used to come  and spend the weekends with us a couple of times a month, not sure if they are just growing up and and spending the night and Nana and Papa’s is not as fun anymore, but I do miss them a lot.  I do not mean to sound like a jerk, but I do appreciate the time when my daughter can take them, this is the first time in the year since we took them in that we have been without them for a week, so yes I am looking forward to some free time for just myself and my wife. I do love my family very much, and would do anything I could for them. I hope I didn’t bore you with the book I just wrote, I just wanted you to know where I am coming from, and all the while I still have my disability and I am in constant pain, but I live with that.


As always I will close with Rusty Loves you, peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes.

The grandkids are now with their Aunt Sarah until their Mom can take them. I am going to start working on myself, I have been told by a few people that I have aged a lot in that year, even my doctor told me I have to start taking better care of myself. So my goal for 2017 is to try to get my health back in the right track. 

I have a lot of issues to work through, I will keep you all updated as hopefully I progress to better things.

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First of all let me say that I am not seeking sympathy by my blog today. I am seeking understanding, so more people can understand what it is like to live, and battle Chronic pain everyday. I have hereditary peripheral neuropathy, now complicated by Type II Diabetes. One of the issues I battle with is, I look fine, It is harder when people can’t see your disability.
Causes and descriptions of Neuropathy.

My wife and I were watching a program on Chronic Pain sufferers, during the program the question was asked of each individual, “Have you considered suicide?” this prompted my wife to ask me the suicide question, my answer was yes, I have thought about it, but know I do not consider it as an option. She started weeping and said “I never knew it was that bad for you.” I told her I am pretty good at hiding my pain, as I do not want to burden my family or others with it.

I watched my Mother go through it from grimacing in pain, crying, moaning when all she wanted to do was relax, all the while her condition was getting worse from not being able to drive, and finally before she passed away, not being able to walk. In addition to this taking every pain medication that was made available to her, and none of them improving her quality of life. I loved my Mom very dearly, and I miss her every day.

I myself made a personal decision not to take pain pills of any kind, I am not bragging about how well I manage it, but after watching my Mother, and My Father-In-Law (For a different health issue) take pain medications, it has made me make the decision not to take them.

For the most part I am pretty good at hiding my pain, yes sometimes I complain about it, but those are on the days when it is at the level of a strong 10, based on the 1 thru 10 numbering system, sometimes I should respond with it is at a 15, yes it does hurt that bad. I am never not in pain, my pain levels for the most part average around a 5, last night when my wife and I were talking it was at a 7. She asked my why I do not tell her how bad it is, I guess it is because I want her to be happy, and not burdened with my pain. As I write this blog today my pain is at a 5.

It is sometimes scary when I think about the future, the possibility of no longer being able to drive, losing my ability to walk, right now I do fairly well, with the exception of my balance issues, which are getting worse, which has forced me to use a cane when walking long distances.

So far most of the time, I do not take anything for pain, not even over the counter pain medications. I use mind over matter, and it works if you concentrate hard enough.

I have tried marijuana, and it really worked, for the first time in years my pain was completely gone, I had a feeling of euphoria, the reasons I have chosen not to continue to use it are #1 It’s still illegal in Utah, #2 Not really a fan of getting high. I do have a CBD Oil vape, that helps on the really bad pain days, but I do want to use it all the time. I do not want anything to be a crutch in my daily existence.

Due to my health issues, and a terrible job market for people over the age of 50, we lost most everything we worked for all of our lives, my career making a 6 digit income, our home, most of our possessions, we are on the road to recovery, but with what my wife makes and me living off of SSDI, it is a slow process.
That brings me to the discussion of legalizing Medical Marijuana, even though I may choose not to use it, it should be a right for anyone else to do so. In my personal opinion any politician, Doctor, and anyone in the medical profession who is against it, is being pressured by Big Pharmaceutical, with their kickbacks, and payouts, or they are taking the prescription mind altering pain meds, and don’t care. As far as it Medical Marijuana being a “Gateway” Drug, there is no proof of that, but there is proof that opioid painkillers are a “Gateway” to Heroin. Not to mention the high incidents of Opioid overdoses. We need to legalize Medical Marijuana.
Opioid addiction
I closing today, I just want to say thank you for your understanding, and life goes on!

As always Rusty Loves you, peace, love, and happiness!


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So many thoughts these days, as life goes on. Watched a movie late last night that was supposed to be in 1969, it sure brought back a lot of fond memories of life back then. yes, there were many hot and volatile issues going on, but I guess I was young enough still to feel that life was so much simpler. I have friends that are a few years older than me, and I am sure they dealt with much more issues in 1969 than I did.

I guess that brings me to my thoughts today, I am deeply concerned about what is happening in our country, I feel that it is more divided now that has ever been in my lifetime. People are supporting a candidate for President, that is a purveyor of hate, some are saying that he is just saying what we have all been thinking. So are we a bunch a hate filled racists, do we all want to attack people for their beliefs, just because we do not agree with them? He does not speak for me, I learned a long to ago to change the person I was, and hating other people is not in me anymore, I do not have to agree with them, or their beliefs, it is not my right to judge them. Yes, like I said I have made some bad decisions in the past, but at least I admit to it, and I am willing to change that. Back to being concerned about our country, it is scary to see it become so divided, it seems that hard core right wing, and the hard core left wing aren’t even willing to try to compromise on anything. Hopefully we can change that, instead of trading insults with each other.

I just wish we could all work together and fix the real problems we have today. Instead of listing them, I will let you decide what is most important.

I was going to say a lot more in this post today, but decided that is was more important to stay away for more subjects, that would create animosity.

Peace, love, and happiness,

As always Rusty loves you!

peace love happiness

no hate




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Sometimes people just hurt you without really knowing it, and sometimes they hurt you out of spite. You can be rude, nasty, and mean, but when you hurt someone it not only goes to the heart but it goes to the bone! You can apologize but it does not take the hurt away.

I learned back in the 80′s not to hurt someone, and I am not talking about physically hurting someone, I am talking about mentally hurting someone. Unfortunately I made that mistake, and even though I apologized to the friend I hurt, our relationship was never the same, and it was all my fault.

Please think about what you say before you say it, you cannot take back hurt!

Sometimes someone puts their heart and soul into something, and when you mock it, or attack it you can truly hurt that person, it has happened to me.

Tis easier to hurt than heal. ~German proverb

A stiff apology is a second insult. . . The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~Gilbert K. Chesterton

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do. Dale Carnegie

Please think about what you say before you say it, you cannot take back hurt!

I really like what his quote form the Dalai Lama says!

I just think, there are times when people need to think about what they are saying before they say it, because hurts cuts deep.


As always Rusty loves you!

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I just do not understand why there is so much hate.

I really feel a lot of the hate we are experiencing today is generated by politicians, the government, and the media. They want to keep us divided, because a divided people are easier to control.

I know some friends of mine will not be happy when I say this, but a lot of hate is also generated by the ultra right wing conservatives, and the Tea Party.
They claim to want to re-enforce the constitution, but my question is where in the constitution does it say to hate?

Rather than put the entire constitution in here I will give you a link


When are we all going to accept the we are all humans, and that is just it. We need to quit separating us by names.

As long as it does not directly affect me, or my family who cares what you do in your own world.

I am so tired of hearing the argument that you are just exercising your religious freedom. Show me poof as to where God and any god you believe in that says it is okay to hate someone, for their race, sex, lifestyle, LBGT or anything like that.

I guess I am living a pipe dream hoping that one day we will accept everyone no matter who they are.

I just want it all to stop.

You do have the power as an individual to make some changes, change it within yourself, preach love not hate, pretty simple isn’t it.

We do not have to accept that is the way it is.

I do feel John Lennon said it all with this great song.

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Szekely Janos

As always Rusty loves you!

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