Posts Tagged ‘Life’

I haven’t made an entry into my blog for quite some time, I decided to take a little time and talk about this last year and the depression that goes along with it. First of all, let me state that I am not trying to cry about my life, we are dealt we get, it is what it is. But it does help to talk about it sometimes.

Around the first of April my middle  daughter got into a car accident, she was going home in the wee hours after delivering newspapers, it was raining heavily her car hydroplaned spun out of control and she hit the retaining wall, thank god her car was newer and all the airbags successfully deployed, and other than being scared half to death she came out of it with a few bumps, bruises, and was very sore for a few weeks. Unfortunately, her car was totaled and the insurance only covered paying off the loan. She and her husband have had to settle for an older car, but at least she is alive.

On April 13th my wife and I were dropping off some food for a food bank drive at a friends house, they have a heavily sloped driveway and upon leaving, I had gone out first to follow my friend to their church where they were storing their food donations. I started the car put it in reverse and it wouldn’t move because the emergency brake was still on. I don’t usually set it, so I had trouble finding the release, I put the car in park climbed out to look under the dash to fin the brake release, my wife had come out and was just opened her door to get in, when I hit the brake release, the car went into reverse knocked her over, and the right front tire ran over her left leg, while this was happening I held on to the car, it dragged me approximately 25 feet, and when I let go it ran over both of my legs with the left front tire. My wife suffered major muscle damage to her left thigh, but no broken bones, I had major road rash on my right leg from the dragging, cuts, and bruises to both legs, and fractured my left fibula. We were both out of commission for three weeks, my wounds got infected and took much longer to heal, and I had to go to wound therapy to aid in the healing process, my wounds are basically healed now, but I still suffer pain from the accident.

A week after that our oldest daughter had stopped by to visit her two ailing parents, she stayed longer than normal and left around 11:00 PM to go home. On her way home as she was getting off of the freeway, and a man jumped in her car pointed a gun to her head and made her drive to a secluded park where he brutally sexually assaulted her. he cut off her clothing and then took a knife and started cutting her all over her body, he was getting ready to rape her when a car pulled into the parking lot and scared him away. This was very devastating to her and the family, and she will take a long to heal mentally from the incident.

In June after a brief trip to CA to celebrate my sister and her husbands 50th anniversary, my wife got appendicitis, she had to have emergency surgery to have her appendix removed, and was down another three weeks.

Then after thinking our youngest had escaped all the disasters that have hit our family this yer, she gets into an accident, it wasn’t her fault and her car was totaled. She is still fighting to get the insurance money so he can get a replacement car. She is a single parent raising three kids, on a low paying job, so she doesn’t have a lot of places to turn to, and without the insurance money, she has no way to get a car.

Then I came down with cellulitis in my left foot, which laid me up for 7 weeks, it is getting better now, but not 100% yet.

Needless to say, this experience has left us emotionally exhausted and also wit new medical bills to pay for.

I really miss the days before I became disabled, I could do more for my family than I can do now, right now I can only give them my love and support.

So that is why I am depressed, I need something to brighten my days and help me look forward to better things in the coming year.

So that is it, for now, hopefully, things will improve looking forward. As always Rusty Loves you!




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Living life one day at a time:


Not trying to sound like a saint, or a crybaby, just telling a little of my story, as it is.


I will explain a little about what has happened to me in my life. My wife and I have been married over 43 years, we were very young, she was 17, and I was 18, we didn’t have any children for the first 4 and a half years, so we did get a chance to grow up a little.  We pretty much have always had kids or relatives living with us. Our oldest lived with us after she got married and stayed until 7 years ago, we have taken in stray kids that were friends of our three daughters, in 1997 we moved back to Utah from CA, and bought an old 7 bedroom farmhouse, it was a two story, with two kitchens, and after our oldest moved out we let me niece and her husband move in upstairs, also during that time, our youngest and her husband moved in with us for two years, out middle daughter also moved in and out three times, my wife’s niece was going to be homeless, and her and her 3 boys moved in for a year. we also helped a couple more of our daughters friends during their rough and trying times, by opening our house to them, seems like we were always the place for people we knew falling on hard times as a place to go, we never said no to anyone in need.

That all fell apart in 2011, when I lost my job and became disabled due to severe neuropathy. I still tried to find work to no avail, we sold everything we owned trying to stay in that house, finally losing it in 2013, we were forced to live with our middle daughter and her husband for a year, finally my disability money kicked in and we now live in a small 3 bedroom manufactured home, thought we were going to be alone when I found out an old business associate was going to be homeless, we let her move in for a few months. I still had that open door policy.

Then last March we took in our three youngest grandchildren, their lives have been very rough and each of them have their own special needs, the oldest has ADHD, the middle one is working through medical bowel issues, the youngest is autistic, so between doctors, school, counseling, and all the other things that come with raising 3 young children it has taken it’s toll on the two of us, to top that off in January of 2015, my father came back to UT, due to his health moved in with my sister, and because she still worked I became his chauffeur, working with the VA, and his doctor appointments, which averaged 8 a month, sometimes more, he passed away at 89 this last October, which again really affected me, because in the 19 months he was here our relationship grew closer then ever, but, I still had to take care of the grandkids, it didn’t leave me much time to grieve, that could have been good though.  It seems that our other grandkids have grown more distant from us, they used to come  and spend the weekends with us a couple of times a month, not sure if they are just growing up and and spending the night and Nana and Papa’s is not as fun anymore, but I do miss them a lot.  I do not mean to sound like a jerk, but I do appreciate the time when my daughter can take them, this is the first time in the year since we took them in that we have been without them for a week, so yes I am looking forward to some free time for just myself and my wife. I do love my family very much, and would do anything I could for them. I hope I didn’t bore you with the book I just wrote, I just wanted you to know where I am coming from, and all the while I still have my disability and I am in constant pain, but I live with that.


As always I will close with Rusty Loves you, peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes.

The grandkids are now with their Aunt Sarah until their Mom can take them. I am going to start working on myself, I have been told by a few people that I have aged a lot in that year, even my doctor told me I have to start taking better care of myself. So my goal for 2017 is to try to get my health back in the right track. 

I have a lot of issues to work through, I will keep you all updated as hopefully I progress to better things.

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First of all let me say that I am not seeking sympathy by my blog today. I am seeking understanding, so more people can understand what it is like to live, and battle Chronic pain everyday. I have hereditary peripheral neuropathy, now complicated by Type II Diabetes. One of the issues I battle with is, I look fine, It is harder when people can’t see your disability.
Causes and descriptions of Neuropathy.

My wife and I were watching a program on Chronic Pain sufferers, during the program the question was asked of each individual, “Have you considered suicide?” this prompted my wife to ask me the suicide question, my answer was yes, I have thought about it, but know I do not consider it as an option. She started weeping and said “I never knew it was that bad for you.” I told her I am pretty good at hiding my pain, as I do not want to burden my family or others with it.

I watched my Mother go through it from grimacing in pain, crying, moaning when all she wanted to do was relax, all the while her condition was getting worse from not being able to drive, and finally before she passed away, not being able to walk. In addition to this taking every pain medication that was made available to her, and none of them improving her quality of life. I loved my Mom very dearly, and I miss her every day.

I myself made a personal decision not to take pain pills of any kind, I am not bragging about how well I manage it, but after watching my Mother, and My Father-In-Law (For a different health issue) take pain medications, it has made me make the decision not to take them.

For the most part I am pretty good at hiding my pain, yes sometimes I complain about it, but those are on the days when it is at the level of a strong 10, based on the 1 thru 10 numbering system, sometimes I should respond with it is at a 15, yes it does hurt that bad. I am never not in pain, my pain levels for the most part average around a 5, last night when my wife and I were talking it was at a 7. She asked my why I do not tell her how bad it is, I guess it is because I want her to be happy, and not burdened with my pain. As I write this blog today my pain is at a 5.

It is sometimes scary when I think about the future, the possibility of no longer being able to drive, losing my ability to walk, right now I do fairly well, with the exception of my balance issues, which are getting worse, which has forced me to use a cane when walking long distances.

So far most of the time, I do not take anything for pain, not even over the counter pain medications. I use mind over matter, and it works if you concentrate hard enough.

I have tried marijuana, and it really worked, for the first time in years my pain was completely gone, I had a feeling of euphoria, the reasons I have chosen not to continue to use it are #1 It’s still illegal in Utah, #2 Not really a fan of getting high. I do have a CBD Oil vape, that helps on the really bad pain days, but I do want to use it all the time. I do not want anything to be a crutch in my daily existence.

Due to my health issues, and a terrible job market for people over the age of 50, we lost most everything we worked for all of our lives, my career making a 6 digit income, our home, most of our possessions, we are on the road to recovery, but with what my wife makes and me living off of SSDI, it is a slow process.
That brings me to the discussion of legalizing Medical Marijuana, even though I may choose not to use it, it should be a right for anyone else to do so. In my personal opinion any politician, Doctor, and anyone in the medical profession who is against it, is being pressured by Big Pharmaceutical, with their kickbacks, and payouts, or they are taking the prescription mind altering pain meds, and don’t care. As far as it Medical Marijuana being a “Gateway” Drug, there is no proof of that, but there is proof that opioid painkillers are a “Gateway” to Heroin. Not to mention the high incidents of Opioid overdoses. We need to legalize Medical Marijuana.
Opioid addiction
I closing today, I just want to say thank you for your understanding, and life goes on!

As always Rusty Loves you, peace, love, and happiness!


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So many thoughts these days, as life goes on. Watched a movie late last night that was supposed to be in 1969, it sure brought back a lot of fond memories of life back then. yes, there were many hot and volatile issues going on, but I guess I was young enough still to feel that life was so much simpler. I have friends that are a few years older than me, and I am sure they dealt with much more issues in 1969 than I did.

I guess that brings me to my thoughts today, I am deeply concerned about what is happening in our country, I feel that it is more divided now that has ever been in my lifetime. People are supporting a candidate for President, that is a purveyor of hate, some are saying that he is just saying what we have all been thinking. So are we a bunch a hate filled racists, do we all want to attack people for their beliefs, just because we do not agree with them? He does not speak for me, I learned a long to ago to change the person I was, and hating other people is not in me anymore, I do not have to agree with them, or their beliefs, it is not my right to judge them. Yes, like I said I have made some bad decisions in the past, but at least I admit to it, and I am willing to change that. Back to being concerned about our country, it is scary to see it become so divided, it seems that hard core right wing, and the hard core left wing aren’t even willing to try to compromise on anything. Hopefully we can change that, instead of trading insults with each other.

I just wish we could all work together and fix the real problems we have today. Instead of listing them, I will let you decide what is most important.

I was going to say a lot more in this post today, but decided that is was more important to stay away for more subjects, that would create animosity.

Peace, love, and happiness,

As always Rusty loves you!

peace love happiness

no hate




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Sometimes people just hurt you without really knowing it, and sometimes they hurt you out of spite. You can be rude, nasty, and mean, but when you hurt someone it not only goes to the heart but it goes to the bone! You can apologize but it does not take the hurt away.

I learned back in the 80′s not to hurt someone, and I am not talking about physically hurting someone, I am talking about mentally hurting someone. Unfortunately I made that mistake, and even though I apologized to the friend I hurt, our relationship was never the same, and it was all my fault.

Please think about what you say before you say it, you cannot take back hurt!

Sometimes someone puts their heart and soul into something, and when you mock it, or attack it you can truly hurt that person, it has happened to me.

Tis easier to hurt than heal. ~German proverb

A stiff apology is a second insult. . . The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~Gilbert K. Chesterton

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do. Dale Carnegie

Please think about what you say before you say it, you cannot take back hurt!

I really like what his quote form the Dalai Lama says!

I just think, there are times when people need to think about what they are saying before they say it, because hurts cuts deep.


As always Rusty loves you!

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I just do not understand why there is so much hate.

I really feel a lot of the hate we are experiencing today is generated by politicians, the government, and the media. They want to keep us divided, because a divided people are easier to control.

I know some friends of mine will not be happy when I say this, but a lot of hate is also generated by the ultra right wing conservatives, and the Tea Party.
They claim to want to re-enforce the constitution, but my question is where in the constitution does it say to hate?

Rather than put the entire constitution in here I will give you a link


When are we all going to accept the we are all humans, and that is just it. We need to quit separating us by names.

As long as it does not directly affect me, or my family who cares what you do in your own world.

I am so tired of hearing the argument that you are just exercising your religious freedom. Show me poof as to where God and any god you believe in that says it is okay to hate someone, for their race, sex, lifestyle, LBGT or anything like that.

I guess I am living a pipe dream hoping that one day we will accept everyone no matter who they are.

I just want it all to stop.

You do have the power as an individual to make some changes, change it within yourself, preach love not hate, pretty simple isn’t it.

We do not have to accept that is the way it is.

I do feel John Lennon said it all with this great song.

images (6)



Szekely Janos

As always Rusty loves you!

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Here was my first attempt at writing, it has been a while, and I am thinking about trying to write another story.

What the Hell is happening?

Completed on May, 2, 2011.

By Rusty Carroll

This is dedicated to my beautiful and wonderful partner for life, my fantastic friend, lover, and best person in the world I know, my wife of over 40 years
“Melia Ann Carroll”


This idea for this story came to me in a dream; it was a wonderful dream, but a sad dream too. That morning after I woke up crying and until I thought about the dream I had just had, I did not know why I was so emotional. I am ecstatic that this was just a dream and not my real life. But here we go my first attempt a writing a short story novel. This really means a lot to me and I hope it makes you feel as emotional as it did me. I do not know if anyone else has experienced a dream like this and it was not to my knowledge a copy of anyone else’s life experience. Now on to my story about a week in my life.

I am sitting in my car a Chrysler Sebring convertible, it is morning, and it is a warm sunny day, so I have the top down. I really do not how long I have been sitting there just thinking about my life and what is going on with it.
I look around the surroundings seem familiar but not familiar. I really do not know what is happening to me. I look up at the skies, birds pass over head, I am used to seeing that, there have always been too many birds were I live, A nice two story light beige and white barn style old farm house on two acres. But as I look around this is not my house or is it? I am looking up at my home and it is not the home I am used to, I am looking at a nice pale yellow and white duplex style condominium. When did I move here, am I at the right house? What is happening to me?
I look up just in time to see my wife waving goodbye to me at our front door, she looks happy and I can see her mouth the words “I love you honey, have a good day and be safe” I smile and say I love you too, and wave back at her. Just then the neighbor lady next door waves at me too, I can tell she is saying “have good day, take care and be safe” I think to myself as I back out of the driveway, do I really know her?
I take my normal 25 minute daily route to work on the freeways listening to the news on the radio as I typically do on my morning drive, and drive into my parking place at work.
I walk through the front door into the lobby, lugging my ever bulging briefcase, the receptionist looks up ay me, “Hi Rusty, and how are you feeling today, I really hope everything is okay and you are doing better” I think to myself that is kind of strange , I do not remember being sick. I politely thank her, tell her I am fine, and I hope she is well and head to my office.
Everything in my office looks normal as usual, I have been the sales manager at this company and everything is progressing right along as I had hope it would. I pull my laptop out of my briefcase to get my daily email updates, I do not do this at home anymore as I have promised my wife to be more attentive to her needs when I am at home. I continue to go though all my daily duties, customer follow up, phone calls, and reviewing my calendar, upcoming appointments and setting up new appointments, this is my typical Monday really nothing unusual.
As I drive home I crank up my stereo, I still love to listen to my favorite types of music, classic rock, jazz, and the blues. Kind of a mixture, but I like them all.
I pull up to my home down the long drive way to my big house, as I pull up it has changed, I do not recognize anyone outside or the cars. What am I doing, I do not live here anymore. I chalked it up as a senior moment and make a u-turn and head out of there towards the condo I now live in.
As I pull up in the driveway I hit the remote to open the garage and as I patiently wait, I think to myself wow I must be getting old, I really cannot remember moving here, I hope I am not going crazy, but I just can’t remember buying this place or moving in, this is really strange.
I walk inside, to the kitchen from our large 2 car garage. As I enter our condo, look around for something more familiar to me, I notice all the touches that indicate a woman’s presence, green plants everywhere, now I know I am truly home, only Melia’s green thumb with house plants could look that good, with my lack of attention to plants they would all be dead or have to at a minimum have to be the fake plastic kind. I continue to look around as I walk though our home on the way to the bedroom to change into more comfortable casual clothes, for some funny reason I don’t really remember this place but everything I looks right. I open the closet and everything looks normal there too, big walk in closet all my clothes, shoes etc, on one side and all of Melia’s on the other.
I change my clothes and go into the bathroom to rinse my face, I look in the mirror and think to myself am I okay, what is happening here that is making me feel so strange? Where was Melia when I walked in, I didn’t get her normal greeting.
As I head back to the kitchen area, I notice nothing smells like it has been cooking, I guess it is my turn to cook, Melia prefers my cooking anyway, she keeps telling me to open up a restaurant, I do not know why I do not listen to her, everyone I know always tells me I am a great cook, and to think of it, I really do enjoy cooking, it is not work to me it is fun to experiment with all the different spices, and flavors to see how much better you can make even a simple meal taste.
Ahh, there she is my wonderful wife Melia just sitting the living room and patiently waiting for me. As I look at her I ask her, well honey how was your day today, do you want me to fix something nice or better yet lets’ go out to dinner? She responds softly “Why don’t you fix something I really do not feel like the restaurant scene tonight?” “Oh and by the way, my day ways fine nothing really happened in particular, how was yours?” I respond with my usual S.O.S.D.D., I do not mention to her that today was so strange to me, or that I cannot remember the changes that have gone on in our lives. I really do not want to her to worry or get upset, I am sure I can work this out on my own.
After dinner we just enjoy our evening time together as usual nothing really important to discuss. I do keep thinking to myself how much I love her and even say so a few times throughout the evening. She responds to me with the same. Even though we always tell each other I love you all the time, it is never mundane or meaningless, we both mean it and I would never miss a day without telling her how much I love her, I feel it is just one of the many things we do that has made our long term marriage so successful and happy, in fact my marriage is by far the one accomplishment in my life I am most proud of.


Well time to go to work again, as I back out of the driveway there is my beautiful wife waving goodbye to me and telling me I love you honey, and be safe! There is my neighbor again waving and saying goodbye to me too, funny I really haven’t taken time to really get to know her, but she also is out there greeting me every morning and wishing me well. I guess Melia and I really need to spend some time to get to know her better, I really cannot remember her name I think it is Beth or at least something like that.
I get to work and there is our receptionist at her desk as usual, she greets me again and says “I hope all is well and you are doing okay, hey when are we going to go out after work and have a couple of drinks, after all you need to go out and have some fun once in a while?”
Why would she say that, she knows I am happily married to the same woman and I do not go anywhere without my wife. This really seems strange but I am not sure why it seems that everyone I come in contact with is treating me differently than in the past.
After about an hour at work my boss Dan calls me to come into his office when I have a few minutes to talk. I ask is anything wrong? Dan just responds with “No, but come to my office and see me.” I tell him to give me about 5 minutes and I will be there.
I go to Dan’s office he looks up and says “Please shut the door and have a seat.” He takes a second to call his assistant and tell her to hold his calls. At first I am feeling a little apprehensive about the fact that Dan has told his assistant to hold his calls. I guess this is because anytime a superior has acted this way it is usually bad news, and believe me in my life, I have been on the receiving end of bad news before.
Dan starts to notice my apprehension by my body language and says “Relax Rusty, I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to talk about you, don’t worry what is said this discussion will be held in the utmost confidence.” I think to myself, wow I can relax. Dan looks at up at me again as he was shuffling some paperwork on this desk and says, “Rusty I do not want you to think of me as just an employer, but a friend who has been observing you, and for the last while, you really have me concerned. From the outside you look fine but in all confidence I really think you have a lot of personal issues you need to overcome, and it seems to me and other friends I know, that you are not taking them head on, which it not like you at all.”
I respond with look of some astonishment and tell Dan I am not sure what you mean, I feel fine work is good, sales are up, my customers visits have all been very productive and successful. Dan responds with “It has nothing to do work, in fact you are one of the best sales managers I have the pleasure of working with. This is more of a personal nature, is everything okay with you, and are you handling things well at home?” My response to Dan is “I am not sure what you mean or where you are coming from, everything at home is great and moving along as well as can be expected, I really do not understand why you are concerned, when really things could not be better.” I think to myself what is up with Dan, I feel perfectly fine, and my life right now is copasetic and to me very satisfying, nothing exciting, but nothing to be concerned about. Just then Dan says, “come on don’t be afraid to open up if you need help from me, I am not just your boss, I am your friend too, and I just want you to know if you need anything I am there for you.” My final response to Dan is “I am fine, and there nothing to worry about, if I need help I will ask.” Dan looks up me and says, “Don’t forget I am here anytime you need to talk.”
As I leave Dan’s office I think to myself, that was strange, I am not sure what brought that on, but I really feel fine, at least to me everything is just fine. It seems to me a lot of strange occurrences are happening to me lately.

My usual drive home and nothing strange for now, just listening and enjoying my music as usual as I drive home, this really relaxes me, and helps my unwind. I really enjoy listening to my choices of music, I always have. When my children were growing up, I made sure they were exposed to a lot of music, and you can tell because they know most of the words to this day to the music I still listen too.
As I drive into the garage, I am thinking to myself it sounds like a great day to go out for dinner, I hope my wife hasn’t started fixing anything for dinner yet. I enter as usual through the garage entrance into the mudroom which then enters directly into the kitchen, hmmm, nothing smells like it is cooking looks it my evening will go as planned dinner in a nice restaurant.
There is my beautiful wife sitting in the family room knitting why she patiently waits for me. I proceed to tell her “Honey I have made up my mind and since nothing is cooking let’s go out for dinner.” I figure if I state it this way she will not say no. She gently responds, “Do we really have to, I would rather just enjoy a quiet evening with you?” I tell her no I really want to go out to our favorite restaurant we are going out so please get ready. She agrees, I knew she would when I mentioned our favorite restaurant.
About 15 minutes later we are on our way to our favorite restaurant. We arrive and get set to order dinner I order our favorite wine to go with fish a good Pinot Grigio. While the waiter is gone my wife tells me that she is not very hungry and let’s just order one dinner and share, it seems to me that we almost always do that lately, I do not really think nothing of it and just enjoy the lower price for a shared meal. When the waiter comes back he brings the bottle of wine and only one glass, I casually remind him there are two of us so I will need a second glass. He brings the glass out and I order our dinner one order halibut, and a salad with two plates.
As we enjoy our dinner and quiet conversation about our activities we had that day, I look around the restaurant, and I am not sure if it just me, but it seems that some of the other restaurant patrons are staring and talking about the two of us. I just chalk it up, as it is all in my mind and only my perception since my wife hasn’t noticed it or said anything so I guess there really isn’t anything going on out of the ordinary.
After a nice drive home, I tell my wife let’s leave the TV off and listen to some soft jazz to relax a little more. I do not go into detail about what happened with Dan today, but just tell her I need something to relax me, and jazz always does that. She doesn’t complain about my choice, and we just enjoy a quiet evening together before going to bed.

I as I was getting ready to go work I think to myself another day to head to the office, sometimes I miss my days working from home, but oh well life does change, and I need a good income to pay the bills so you do whatever it takes.
As I get ready to pull out of the driveway I look around it is a nice warm morning and decide it is a good day to drive with the top down on the convertible. I look up as I am backing out and as usual there is my wife waving goodbye and telling me to be safe. And there is my neighbor lady also waving goodbye too, I guess I do need to get to know her better, she does seem like a very nice person always taking time out her morning to wave goodbye to me as I leave for work each day.
I thought this was going to be my typical morning drive, but it did not turn out quite as I expected. The traffic was really backed up on the freeway, as I finally got closer to the cause of the traffic delay it is an accident, I could see it was very bad a black SUV was totaled by a semi, you could hardly tell the make or model of the car, I really wasn’t sure if was an SUV, I was just guessing. I called my office on my mobile phone to let them know I would be late and why.
By the time I arrived the office I was 45 minutes later than normal, this time our receptionist greeted me again with “Are you okay, you weren’t involved or did you receive damage to your vehicle, you have enough in your life to have even more go wrong.” I assured her I was fine and arrived after the accident happened. I thought to myself what does she mean by that, a lot of issues in my life, everything is going great for me. Another strange comment that I am not sure what to make of.
Time to check my massages and get on with my day I have a meeting with one of my key customers at 11:00 AM and then we are going to lunch, no time to waste for me this morning, I need to get going!
Well another successful customer meeting today scored another new agreement from him, this will a great item to present to my boss this afternoon before I head home. Although the meeting was a success lunch was yet kind of strange again, instead of the normal chit chat, all he wanted to talk about was me and how was I doing, and was my life getting back to normal. Instead of acting dumbfounded about his questions, I just assured him everything was great and going along as well as I can expect it to. Issues like this and a few others in the last couple of days, are really arousing my curiosity, am I losing my mind, or is something happening to me that I have not been very aware of, maybe I am just getting old, another senior moment I guess.
Got back to the office and Dan was very pleased to see the new signed agreement, and said, “How could I expect anything less from you?”
Time to head home after a great day a work that started off with a nasty accident, but ended up finishing out being a very successful day. As I head home it is still a nice late spring day, beautiful blue skies with just a few clouds, not too warm, but a great day to drive with the top down on the convertible, I love the 360 degree view you get with the top down on the car, but that means I will need to crank up the music, and if is loud it needs to be classic rock the louder the better with classic rock.
I do not know if is just me, but it seems to me that when you have some great rock blasting on the stereo, you have a tendency to drive a little faster and crazier. It definitely makes the dive home not so monotonous.
I always enjoy some great rock music, if I am in the mood I love AC/DC and with their music the louder the better has always been my rule. As I pull into the condominium complex, I forget just how loud I have the music is I have on the stereo and get a few annoying looks from my neighbors. I think to myself they need to chill a little and relax, I don’t feel old and you are as you as young as you feel right? I decide to leave the music up and loud, not like I do this every day and it is only 6:00 PM.
I turn the down the stereo as I get closer to my condo, hit the garage door remote, and get rid of my cigarette, with the top down it easy to hide the smell, after I did promise my wife I would quit smoking, it is my one vice I have had trouble giving up, I only smoke 4 or 5 a day someday I will really quit smoking.
I walk into the condo through the kitchen as usual, hmmm, nothing cooking again, I am not complaining, but sometimes my wife can cook the dinner, come to think of it I do not really remember the last time she did. Well I do not feel like cooking either, I know lately she has not really wanted to go out, so I guess it will be take out Chinese tonight. We have nice dinner together, and watch the shows we enjoy, we usually record them on the DVR so we can fast forward through the commercials, it seems like everyone does that now days, plus this allows my wife to record and watch the shows she enjoys, that I do not really care for. After watching the news we head off to bed, it seems like that is now just our daily habit when we are at home, I guess it may seem mundane to most people but it is our life and we enjoy it.


Again, a typical morning getting ready for work, as I walk towards the kitchen I can smell the coffee still brewing, nothing better to me then the smell of fresh coffee in the morning. Time to head to work, a little chilly this morning, the kind of morning where it is a little gloomy, but no rain in the forecast, but no sun either. As I back out of the driveway, I look up and there is my wife waving goodbye, and I can see her mouth the words be safe. Off the to the left is our neighbor out there again also waving goodbye to me, that is really nice, I need to stop over there after work today, I keep saying I will and yet I have done nothing, and she is always out there in the morning waving me off to work, you do not get neighbors like that every day.
As I arrive at work it seems like I am really forgetting something important, I just cannot seem to remember what it is, before I leave my car to go inside I look at the calendar on my phone, hmm nothing out of the ordinary on my calendar, but I know am still forgetting something, I guess if it was that important I would have put it on my calendar. I go inside our receptionist is on the phone she looks up smiles as I walk past her. Just as I walk into my office my phone rings, it my oldest daughter, “Hey dad please do not forget you are supposed to come over for dinner tonight, I thought I would call you since lately you always seem to forget stuff like that.” Wow that is what it was? I need to put everything on my calendar, that way I will not forget. I tell her thank you for reminding me, and I will be there, I ask is there anything I need to bring? She responds with “Just be there, isn’t that enough?” I tell her no problem, see her around 6:30 PM.
It still seems to me that I am forgetting something important, I wish I could think of what it was. I decide to chalk it off as a senior moment….
As I work though day with some mild interruptions, nothing major to speak off, it is getting towards to the afternoon. Wow, I better call my wife and remind her too that we have dinner at our daughters tonight. I call her up to remind her of the dinner tonight, she informs me that she really doesn’t feel up to par, that she would rather just stay home relax, and sleep. I proceed to tell her fine I will just come home and take care of her, I do not really need to go without her. At that point she gets a little upset and says, “Yes you will, I am fine and can take of myself, you need to be with the kids when they ask you over.” I tell her I should be with her when she does not feel well, again she responds, “I will be fine! You need to go they are expecting you, they will understand that I am there, I will call and there is nothing more to discuss.” I reluctantly agree to go without her, even though I feel I should be there with her, I know that this is nothing to get in an argument over.
Later on as I drive over to my daughter and her family’s house, I keep think to myself, what am I forgetting, there is something important today, and it is really starting to unnerve me that I cannot remember what it is. When I get to my daughters house I will not bring it up because if it is important to her and she figures out I completely forgot, it will make me look stupid.
I pull up into their driveway and they all come out running, all three of the grandkids, even though they are growing up they are all yelling excitedly, “Papa’s here, Papa’s here!” Wow, how can you not love a greeting like that, it definitely brings a big smile to my face. As I get out of the car they are all hugging me and each of them giving me a kiss, all three of them letting me know how much they miss me. I really need to come and see them more often. My daughter calls out “ dinner’s ready” As we all walk inside the house smells great, without her even telling me what is for dinner, I can tell it is a roast.
After dinner I we sit down briefly for a few minutes, I tell my daughter I cannot stay long and with tomorrow being a work day I need to get home, I have never been the type of individual to stay out late on work nights. My daughter asks me how I am doing, “Is everything okay? You just seem to be closed up and distant.” I tell her I am fine just very busy at work at. There sometimes are not enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished. Maybe I just need a long vacation to get back together again. But it seems so hard to schedule something like that these days, I expected things to settle down as I grew older, but they have been just the opposite. Well time to say my goodbyes and head home. I love it when I tell my grandkids goodbye, they all give me a tight hug and kisses, and it just makes my day. My daughter gives me a kiss and a hug as I leave, and tell me “Take care of yourself and be safe!” My son in law says goodbye too.
As I drive home I am thinking about tonight, dinner was great but it seemed strange, that my daughter didn’t even bring up my wife at all or even ask if she was okay. I guess she must have had a good conversation with her prior to my arrival and did not feel the need to discuss it with me. Oh well it has been a long day and it will be good to be home, and see how my wife is doing tonight. As arrive at home all the lights are out, I think to myself I hope she’s okay she usually would leave at least one light on. I go inside and safely call out her name no answer…I walk into the bedroom there she is fast asleep, I will be quite and try to not to disturb her very much. I go through my usual routine and get ready for bed. As I get in bed I ask her if she is okay, she responds with “’just tired nothing to worry about. I turn on the TV to watch the news, set the timer, since I usually fall to sleep and that way the TV will not wake me up later.

Well another day another dollar, as I get ready for work I do not smell the coffee damn, I forgot to set it up the night before to come on automatically, oh well better go make some I am a coffee person and I need it to start my day. After getting the coffee done I ask my wife how she is feeling, she tells me just tired, need to sleep some more, I ask her if she wants me to stay home with her she says no, just she just needs to relax that she will be fine.
I get my coffee and head out to the car, as I open the garage I notice what a beautiful summer day it is, much nicer than yesterday that means I can drive with the top down. As I back out the driveway to head out my wife is not there waving goodbye but my neighbor is she waives at me as I am leaving. I got home too late last night and forgot to say hi to her and thank her for greeting me every morning, it sure is nice to have such friendly neighbors.
I get to work and everyone greats me as usual, not a lot going on today I typically have always left my Friday’s light so if possible I can leave early, so I am hoping this Friday is light that way I can go home and be with my wife since she doesn’t feel very good, I will worry about that later.
Just as it seems to be a light day my phone starts ringing, a few customer issues which I quickly resolve. And then I get a call from my brother-in-law, he asks how are things going I tell him the usual day to day, he then proceeds to let me know that there is going to be family and friends get together on Saturday (tomorrow) around 4:00 PM and the dress will be nice not casual. Just as I am getting ready to tell him that I am not sure with the short notice, he informs me that my not attending is not an option. I tell him we will be there, and do we need to bring anything, he says no just be there.
As I head home for the day, my mind is on tomorrow afternoons event, you would think that with something that big and special they would have given me more notice, if this is supposed to be family and friends, did they invite anyone from work if they did why didn’t they say something about it, and why didn’t my daughter say something last night about it. I decide to call her and find out what I going on. She tells me that this is something special and yes, everyone is going to be there and just like my brother-in-law informed me that my attendance is not optional and just be prepared to come and enjoy myself, this will a fun evening and everyone is excited for it.

I finally pull up to the driveway of our home, with all that has been going on I did not call my wife today to see how she is doing or to let her know about the get together tomorrow. I hope she feels good enough to go as I do not want to be there without her.
As I walk in she is there to greet me she lets me know that she is feeling much better and ask me how was my day. I tell her it was good and we are going to a family and friends get together tomorrow night, I think it was set up by her brother since he was that one that called me but from what I know everyone we know will be there and we have to go that both he and our oldest daughter both confirmed to be very sternly attendance is not an option. I let her know that we need to dress up too, do we need to get you something to wear, or will you be okay, she tells me that she has plenty of clothes and she can easily put together something that will look nice for the event.
The more I think about tomorrow the more excited I get it seems like we have been real homebodies the last year or so and we really do not get out much this will be nice to not only get out but see everyone too. I do wish I knew what this was about more, but neither my daughter, or my brother-in-law were willing to discuss the particulars, they just said I had to be there. I hope this turns out to be as fun as I now think it will.
With all that we have been talking about neither one of us even thought that much about dinner, I will just put together a couple of nice salads. Since we are going out tomorrow a light dinner will be better anyway.
We are both so excited we both just talk and talk about the event tomorrow and decide to go to bed early as my wife is feeling better but not 100% yet.

Well the party day is here, after breakfast, I decide I will work on our tiny condo yard and clean the garage to help keep me occupied all day, it all needs to be done anyway, my wife says she will just relax inside so she can be at her best tonight.
After working in the garage and the yard the time flew by almost too fast, and I still need to get ready for the get together, and if you now me I am always on time if not early my oldest daughter always says, “You need to tell Dad that it is a half an hour later than you want him there that way he won’t always be early”.
My wife is ready now time to go, we hop in the car and head out, I think both of us are excited for the evening, at least I know I am, since neither one of us really know what this is all about it really makes the events even more excited, and I really do not remember the last time we both went out to a big event.
As we pull up I am looking for cars that I recognize, and most of them I do recognize, I look at my watch to see what time it is, are we late, it seems that everyone is already here. But my watch is showing 3:55 PM so we are not late, oh well here we go…
As we walk in I am look around the large room, I cannot believe how people are here, family, all three of my daughters, my sisters, my brother, most of my wife’s bothers, nieces, nephews, a lot of my friends, a few neighbors, and even my boss and a few of people from work.
My daughters show us to a table to be seated at, from my observation everyone looks to be having a good time and talking, but what I so special about today, and it seems to me that everyone was already here and I am the guest of honor.
As I continue to look around the room I notice one thing in particular almost everyone here I recognize, but there are a lot of people I do not and they are all middle aged women. Just then one of my wife’s brothers walks up with his wife and they also have one of the middle aged women accompanying them, he introduces the woman to me and then proceeds to chit chat about how have I been and I am feeling better and how have I been getting along, are things progressing as well as I would like them to. This seems strange am I fine and everyone should know that, and he is this woman they introduced to me, everyone should know I am very happily married to my wife and I do not want to meet anyone else.
As the evening progresses almost everyone is introducing some woman they have brought with them. I do not understand this and where is my wife? I quickly scan the room for her, there she is sitting all by herself, I waive at her to get her attention to come and sit by me, she looks up a me and smiles but nods her head and I can see her mouth the words no I am fine.
I really do not understand all of this it is making me extremely uncomfortable and I just want to leave, I get my wife’s attention and let her know we are leaving. My daughters see this and all three of them are asking me to stay I tell them no, I do not know what is going on and Mom and I are both leaving now, again all three of them plead with me Daddy please stay this was all for you, I tell them again no, we are going.
As we head towards the car my wife is looking at me and saying we need to stay, I and respond with I do not want to discuss this we are going home now.
I am so upset we do not even speak to each other on the way home, in fact I look down at the speedometer a few times and have to slow down do not get a speeding ticket. All the way home I keep thinking to myself what the hell is happening?
We both go inside and walk into the living room not really looking at other or saying a word. My wife says to me you need to sit down and we need to talk, you need to just listen to what I have to say.

She starts off with, “Honey I know you love me and I love you too, but you need to understand what it is going on here. I died one year ago last Thursday, that is the day you kept trying to figure out what you were forgetting. Everyone is very worried about you, as you have been living the entire last year as if I am still alive. My presence is all in your head, that is why whenever we go somewhere to everyone stares it is because you are talking to me, when you are talking to no one. You are the only one that can see me.” “I love you and you need to move on with your life, that is what everyone was trying to get you to do tonight. It has been so bad that they have been thinking about having you committed, they all love you and just want you to accept things as they are and go back to being the normal lovable guy that you are”
I sit back on the sofa with tears streaming down my face, and it all comes back to me, the terrible accident, the funeral, everything. I close my eyes and as I open them I look around the room everything has changed, the furniture, the kitchen, no plants, no woman’s touch the whole condo taken on the appearance of having more masculine features, I walk into the bedroom the furniture is different there too, the closet is half empty now and only my clothes and shoes are in there. I walk back into the living room and realize I am alone, no one is there but me.
I decide right then and there it is time to get on with my life, I do not know why I reacted this way for the last year, but I will be okay it is time to get on with my life. I call each one of my daughters and tell them I am okay now, and I have accepted my wife’s passing and I am ready to move on, each of them are thrilled, and promise to call everyone that was at the get together, it will all be okay now.

I hope you enjoyed this and I look forward to your comments.

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As always Rusty loves you!!

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