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Posts Tagged ‘Suicide’


First of all let me say that I am not seeking sympathy by my blog today. I am seeking understanding, so more people can understand what it is like to live, and battle Chronic pain everyday. I have¬†hereditary peripheral neuropathy, now complicated by Type II Diabetes. One of the issues I battle with is, I look fine, It is harder when people can’t see your disability.
Causes and descriptions of Neuropathy.

My wife and I were watching a program on Chronic Pain sufferers, during the program the question was asked of each individual, “Have you considered suicide?” this prompted my wife to ask me the suicide question, my answer was yes, I have thought about it, but know I do not consider it as an option. She started weeping and said “I never knew it was that bad for you.” I told her I am pretty good at hiding my pain, as I do not want to burden my family or others with it.

I watched my Mother go through it from grimacing in pain, crying, moaning when all she wanted to do was relax, all the while her condition was getting worse from not being able to drive, and finally before she passed away, not being able to walk. In addition to this taking every pain medication that was made available to her, and none of them improving her quality of life. I loved my Mom very dearly, and I miss her every day.

I myself made a personal decision not to take pain pills of any kind, I am not bragging about how well I manage it, but after watching my Mother, and My Father-In-Law (For a different health issue) take pain medications, it has made me make the decision not to take them.

For the most part I am pretty good at hiding my pain, yes sometimes I complain about it, but those are on the days when it is at the level of a strong 10, based on the 1 thru 10 numbering system, sometimes I should respond with it is at a 15, yes it does hurt that bad. I am never not in pain, my pain levels for the most part average around a 5, last night when my wife and I were talking it was at a 7. She asked my why I do not tell her how bad it is, I guess it is because I want her to be happy, and not burdened with my pain. As I write this blog today my pain is at a 5.

It is sometimes scary when I think about the future, the possibility of no longer being able to drive, losing my ability to walk, right now I do fairly well, with the exception of my balance issues, which are getting worse, which has forced me to use a cane when walking long distances.

So far most of the time, I do not take anything for pain, not even over the counter pain medications. I use mind over matter, and it works if you concentrate hard enough.

I have tried marijuana, and it really worked, for the first time in years my pain was completely gone, I had a feeling of euphoria, the reasons I have chosen not to continue to use it are #1 It’s still illegal in Utah, #2 Not really a fan of getting high. I do have a CBD Oil vape, that helps on the really bad pain days, but I do want to use it all the time. I do not want anything to be a crutch in my daily existence.

Due to my health issues, and a terrible job market for people over the age of 50, we lost most everything we worked for all of our lives, my career making a 6 digit income, our home, most of our possessions, we are on the road to recovery, but with what my wife makes and me living off of SSDI, it is a slow process.
That brings me to the discussion of legalizing Medical Marijuana, even though I may choose not to use it, it should be a right for anyone else to do so. In my personal opinion any politician, Doctor, and anyone in the medical profession who is against it, is being pressured by Big Pharmaceutical, with their kickbacks, and payouts, or they are taking the prescription mind altering pain meds, and don’t care. As far as it Medical Marijuana being a “Gateway” Drug, there is no proof of that, but there is proof that opioid painkillers are a “Gateway” to Heroin. Not to mention the high incidents of Opioid overdoses. We need to legalize Medical Marijuana.
Opioid addiction
Cannaboids
I closing today, I just want to say thank you for your understanding, and life goes on!

As always Rusty Loves you, peace, love, and happiness!

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