I am having a lot of deep thoughts today. 

I am really starting to struggle with my situation,  not sure where to turn. 

We have had our the three youngest grandchildren living with us since March of this year (2016). It hasn’t been easy. These kids have led a life of hell, bouncing around between the Mother, Father, my oldest daughter, and now us. They have been subjected to mental abuse, medical neglect,  and prior to us taking them, they lived with their Dad, Grandmother, Uncle and his girlfriend in a two room motel for 6 months. The oldest child has ADD, the middle child bowel issues, (which their father neglected to do anything about), and the youngest is autistic.  So needless to say they all have major issues that we are addressing.

Their mother,  our daughter is slowly getting her life together to be able to take care of them. Their father occasionally gives us money,  but hasn’t taken the time to see them or talk to them since the 21st of May. They are all a handful and Melia and I really struggle with taking care of them, we have done our best to provide them a good home, structure, and a normal a life as possible.  We have taken care of their medical needs,  we have all three of them in counseling, but lately there are days when this all becomes just too much to handle. You see as grandparents  we should be able to visit them, have them come and stay a few days,  and in general, spoil them. Not raise them! If that sounds crass, it was not meant too, but I raised my kids, did the best job we could, and was looking forward to a life in our later years of what we planned. Yes, we have good times with them, and I truly cherish those moments,  but with my wife working full time, and me being disabled with neuropathy,  I don’t sleep very well,  and I am in constant pain at levels from a rating of 2 to a 10, right now my pain level is at an 8. 

My dad is also having a rough time lately,  two weeks ago he was placed in hospice care, with all that going on with him, it has added a new level of stress in our lives.  

So there you have it, my current life in a nutshell,  and not sure where to turn to next. 

I just want things to go back to a relatively pace of normalcy. Please don’t be mad at me, or chastise  me, just understand it is very hard to remain strong through all of this. 

I really do love my family and my three beautiful grandchildren,  but sometimes I just want to scream!

Well time for me to stop, always remember Rusty loves you!

Blessed are they who understand

My faltering step and shaking hand.

Blessed are they who know my ears today
Must strain to hear the things they say.

Blessed are they who seem to know
My eyes are dim and my answers slow.

Blessed are they who look away
When my tea was spilled at the table today.

Blessed are they who with a cheery smile
Will stop to chat for a little while.

Blessed are they who never say
“You’ve told that story twice today.”

Blessed are they who know my ways
And bring back memories of yesterdays.

Blessed are they who ease the days
And care for me in loving ways.

Blessed are they who make it known
I’m loved, respected and not alone.

Author Unknown


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It has been a while since I posted to my blog, so busy taking care of my three youngest grandkids,  I don’t have much spare time these days.  I also still have to keep busy doing all my regular stuff, which includes taking care of our house,  preparing most of the meals, and keeping up with the special requests by my wife. 

Yesterday I put up a new ceiling fan in our bedroom,  this used to be a simple task for me, but with my neuropathy not so much anymore.  Today I am in major pain, and I just need to rest,  but as they say no rest for the wicked.

I am trying to be relaxed and less political these days, not the easiest ask to do. More about peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes. 

I really am trying hard to be a better person, stay positive,  upbeat,  and not complain about things, but sometimes it is hard to not complain, on days like today when the pain is almost unbearable,  and you just want to cry, but I do my next to remain strong. 
Oh well life goes on, and I don’t expect it to beveryone perfect. 
Just always remember Rusty loves you!

First of all let me say that I am not seeking sympathy by my blog today. I am seeking understanding, so more people can understand what it is like to live, and battle Chronic pain everyday. I have hereditary peripheral neuropathy, now complicated by Type II Diabetes. One of the issues I battle with is, I look fine, It is harder when people can’t see your disability.
Causes and descriptions of Neuropathy.

My wife and I were watching a program on Chronic Pain sufferers, during the program the question was asked of each individual, “Have you considered suicide?” this prompted my wife to ask me the suicide question, my answer was yes, I have thought about it, but know I do not consider it as an option. She started weeping and said “I never knew it was that bad for you.” I told her I am pretty good at hiding my pain, as I do not want to burden my family or others with it.

I watched my Mother go through it from grimacing in pain, crying, moaning when all she wanted to do was relax, all the while her condition was getting worse from not being able to drive, and finally before she passed away, not being able to walk. In addition to this taking every pain medication that was made available to her, and none of them improving her quality of life. I loved my Mom very dearly, and I miss her every day.

I myself made a personal decision not to take pain pills of any kind, I am not bragging about how well I manage it, but after watching my Mother, and My Father-In-Law (For a different health issue) take pain medications, it has made me make the decision not to take them.

For the most part I am pretty good at hiding my pain, yes sometimes I complain about it, but those are on the days when it is at the level of a strong 10, based on the 1 thru 10 numbering system, sometimes I should respond with it is at a 15, yes it does hurt that bad. I am never not in pain, my pain levels for the most part average around a 5, last night when my wife and I were talking it was at a 7. She asked my why I do not tell her how bad it is, I guess it is because I want her to be happy, and not burdened with my pain. As I write this blog today my pain is at a 5.

It is sometimes scary when I think about the future, the possibility of no longer being able to drive, losing my ability to walk, right now I do fairly well, with the exception of my balance issues, which are getting worse, which has forced me to use a cane when walking long distances.

So far most of the time, I do not take anything for pain, not even over the counter pain medications. I use mind over matter, and it works if you concentrate hard enough.

I have tried marijuana, and it really worked, for the first time in years my pain was completely gone, I had a feeling of euphoria, the reasons I have chosen not to continue to use it are #1 It’s still illegal in Utah, #2 Not really a fan of getting high. I do have a CBD Oil vape, that helps on the really bad pain days, but I do want to use it all the time. I do not want anything to be a crutch in my daily existence.

Due to my health issues, and a terrible job market for people over the age of 50, we lost most everything we worked for all of our lives, my career making a 6 digit income, our home, most of our possessions, we are on the road to recovery, but with what my wife makes and me living off of SSDI, it is a slow process.
That brings me to the discussion of legalizing Medical Marijuana, even though I may choose not to use it, it should be a right for anyone else to do so. In my personal opinion any politician, Doctor, and anyone in the medical profession who is against it, is being pressured by Big Pharmaceutical, with their kickbacks, and payouts, or they are taking the prescription mind altering pain meds, and don’t care. As far as it Medical Marijuana being a “Gateway” Drug, there is no proof of that, but there is proof that opioid painkillers are a “Gateway” to Heroin. Not to mention the high incidents of Opioid overdoses. We need to legalize Medical Marijuana.
Opioid addiction
I closing today, I just want to say thank you for your understanding, and life goes on!

As always Rusty Loves you, peace, love, and happiness!


So many thoughts these days, as life goes on. Watched a movie late last night that was supposed to be in 1969, it sure brought back a lot of fond memories of life back then. yes, there were many hot and volatile issues going on, but I guess I was young enough still to feel that life was so much simpler. I have friends that are a few years older than me, and I am sure they dealt with much more issues in 1969 than I did.

I guess that brings me to my thoughts today, I am deeply concerned about what is happening in our country, I feel that it is more divided now that has ever been in my lifetime. People are supporting a candidate for President, that is a purveyor of hate, some are saying that he is just saying what we have all been thinking. So are we a bunch a hate filled racists, do we all want to attack people for their beliefs, just because we do not agree with them? He does not speak for me, I learned a long to ago to change the person I was, and hating other people is not in me anymore, I do not have to agree with them, or their beliefs, it is not my right to judge them. Yes, like I said I have made some bad decisions in the past, but at least I admit to it, and I am willing to change that. Back to being concerned about our country, it is scary to see it become so divided, it seems that hard core right wing, and the hard core left wing aren’t even willing to try to compromise on anything. Hopefully we can change that, instead of trading insults with each other.

I just wish we could all work together and fix the real problems we have today. Instead of listing them, I will let you decide what is most important.

I was going to say a lot more in this post today, but decided that is was more important to stay away for more subjects, that would create animosity.

Peace, love, and happiness,

As always Rusty loves you!

peace love happiness

no hate




Rusty Carroll's life, and observations.

The legacy we have created together

At this time of year I always get feeling a little melancholy.

Christmas to me means Family!

As a child it was the family being together on Christmas morning, happy faces, but most of all just being a family. Going to visit the grandparents, and seeing all the relatives. It really wasn’t about the presents, it was being a family.

As we got older and had children of our own, it was again Christmas morning with all the smiling happy faces, and getting the rest of our family together to celebrate the day. I did my best to keep the going as long as I could.

Now it just my family, my three daughters, and their families. But it seems so hard to get us all together at the same time, it feels like we are all going different directions, and it saddens me at times.

I truly do love…

View original post 51 more words

I have observed the news media, the social media, and any other source that I can to be better informed of what is going on the world, and the U.S.A.

It is sad to see our wonderful country becoming even more divided, not just by the politicians, or the recent religious issues, but even the people posting hate on Social Media. It truly saddens me to see all of this hate going on, when will it stop?

I have observed many politicians saying “Boots on the ground now!”, or “What ever happened to shock and awe?” My question is to these people: How successful was that, what did we do, other than spending trillions, and costing the lives of thousands of people. Is everything better than it was prior to our previous response, did we really kill and destroy the right people? Well we did get Bin Laden didn’t we. But at what cost.

I wonder if there will ever be peace in the Middle East, they have never been at peace, they really do not know what it is, this region goes past biblical times, and because of all the fighting, they are still third world countries, and not improving their lives, or living conditions.

Just my opinion but just a response from the US military is not the answer, they hate us now, and this will make them hate us more. The response needs to be on a global level, all the leaders in the free world need to come up with a response with all of them involved, maybe that kind of response will force ISIS to realize they are fighting a losing battle.

We must stop being so divided, and spreading more hate, that is not the answer!


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peace love happiness

I will discuss religious issues later, I just want it better than it is now, is that asking for too much?

As always Rusty Loves you!