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Living life one day at a time:

 

Not trying to sound like a saint, or a crybaby, just telling a little of my story, as it is.

 

I will explain a little about what has happened to me in my life. My wife and I have been married over 43 years, we were very young, she was 17, and I was 18, we didn’t have any children for the first 4 and a half years, so we did get a chance to grow up a little.  We pretty much have always had kids or relatives living with us. Our oldest lived with us after she got married and stayed until 7 years ago, we have taken in stray kids that were friends of our three daughters, in 1997 we moved back to Utah from CA, and bought an old 7 bedroom farmhouse, it was a two story, with two kitchens, and after our oldest moved out we let me niece and her husband move in upstairs, also during that time, our youngest and her husband moved in with us for two years, out middle daughter also moved in and out three times, my wife’s niece was going to be homeless, and her and her 3 boys moved in for a year. we also helped a couple more of our daughters friends during their rough and trying times, by opening our house to them, seems like we were always the place for people we knew falling on hard times as a place to go, we never said no to anyone in need.

That all fell apart in 2011, when I lost my job and became disabled due to severe neuropathy. I still tried to find work to no avail, we sold everything we owned trying to stay in that house, finally losing it in 2013, we were forced to live with our middle daughter and her husband for a year, finally my disability money kicked in and we now live in a small 3 bedroom manufactured home, thought we were going to be alone when I found out an old business associate was going to be homeless, we let her move in for a few months. I still had that open door policy.

Then last March we took in our three youngest grandchildren, their lives have been very rough and each of them have their own special needs, the oldest has ADHD, the middle one is working through medical bowel issues, the youngest is autistic, so between doctors, school, counseling, and all the other things that come with raising 3 young children it has taken it’s toll on the two of us, to top that off in January of 2015, my father came back to UT, due to his health moved in with my sister, and because she still worked I became his chauffeur, working with the VA, and his doctor appointments, which averaged 8 a month, sometimes more, he passed away at 89 this last October, which again really affected me, because in the 19 months he was here our relationship grew closer then ever, but, I still had to take care of the grandkids, it didn’t leave me much time to grieve, that could have been good though.  It seems that our other grandkids have grown more distant from us, they used to come  and spend the weekends with us a couple of times a month, not sure if they are just growing up and and spending the night and Nana and Papa’s is not as fun anymore, but I do miss them a lot.  I do not mean to sound like a jerk, but I do appreciate the time when my daughter can take them, this is the first time in the year since we took them in that we have been without them for a week, so yes I am looking forward to some free time for just myself and my wife. I do love my family very much, and would do anything I could for them. I hope I didn’t bore you with the book I just wrote, I just wanted you to know where I am coming from, and all the while I still have my disability and I am in constant pain, but I live with that.

 

As always I will close with Rusty Loves you, peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes.


My Blog today is inspired by listening to the song Abraham, Martin, and John, by Dion

Of course I wasn’t around when Lincoln was assassinated, but I do believe hate had a lot to do with it.

abraham-lincoln

A lot has happened in my short lifetime.

The Viet Nam War started when I was to young to understand it, but by the time it was over I had many friends who fought in it, and even a few who died in it. It did affect a lot of my thoughts and actions over those trying times while it was going on.

Hovering U.S. Army helicopters pour machine gun fire into the tree line to cover the advance of South Vietnamese ground troops in an attack on a Viet Cong camp 18 miles north of Tay Ninh, northwest of Saigon near the Cambodian border, in March 1965 during the Vietnam War.  (AP Photo/Horst Faas)

Hovering U.S. Army helicopters pour machine gun fire into the tree line to cover the advance of South Vietnamese ground troops in an attack on a Viet Cong camp 18 miles north of Tay Ninh, northwest of Saigon near the Cambodian border, in March 1965 during the Vietnam War. (AP Photo/Horst Faas)

At 8 years old I cried when I my teacher informed us the John F Kennedy had been assassinated. I clearly remember that day, and even though I was only 8 I remember the entire nation in morning over his death, everyone wondering what will become of our country. I also remember the sadness, and fear on my parents faces that day, pretty powerful stuff for an 8 year old.

john-kennedy

The 60’s were a different time, a lot of changes for me too, for the most part I was too young to really understand everything, but it did effect me, as I felt I had an enquiring mind, and did pay attention to it. Times were changing I was very interested in that.

I remember the day Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, people were upset, and concerned, but not so much as when Kennedy was, I feel was the racism issue, and even though he was a very great man, he has been much more appreciated later on for all of his accomplishments, my home state was the last state out of all 50 states to recognize his birthday as a holiday. Imagine how much more he could have accomplished had he not been taken from us.

mlk

And then two months later Bobby Kennedy was assassinated, I was actually watching TV that night and the coverage, my interest in politics was just starting, and even though I was too young to vote, I was becoming more aware of it.

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In 1969 I clearly remember watching Apollo 11 landing on the moon, with my parents, and Neil Armstrong uttering those words “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” A very amazing day for me.

apollo-moon-landing

Then some sadness in 1970 with the Kent State shootings, as sad as that was, kind of mild to what is going on today.

In the 70’s I got married at a very young age, voted in my first presidential election, moved to CA in 1973, back to Utah in 1975, back to CA in 1976, and then back to Utah again the ned of 1977. Growing up in in the Suburbs of Salt Lake City UT, didn’t prepare me for the diversity of Southern CA, for a time my young wife and I lived in Inglewood CA across from Hollywood Park Race Track, we both had a quick education of what life was like outside of UT. I am truly thankful for the times spent in CA it not only educated me to the real world, but changed my outlook for the better. We moved back again to CA in 1981 after our middle daughter Sarah was born, stayed until June of 1997. I continued to changed over those years and I feel I am a better person for it, the hate in me grew smaller and smaller, I am so much more open minded now, and so happy with our advancements in true equality, not where I would like to see them. We have stayed in Utah since moving back in 1997, now trying to decide if this is the final place for us, not really sure yet of what to do, most likely we will stay here, who knows.

There have been a lot of tragedies that have also occured, but not enough time to discuss all of them. A lot of positive changes too, like electing our first black president, and same sex marriage becoming legal.

I can truly say I really thought we had come a long way, in regards to racism, and biases, but lately I feel we still have a very long way to go.

That brings me to the end of my blog today, I am now in a state of concern, the next 4 years really scares me, too much uncertainty. I am living on a fixed income now due to my disability, yes my wife Melia still works, but not really sure what is in stage for the two of us, is it going to get better or worse, I guess we will have to wait and see. Please no haters on this blog, we have too much hate already.

As always, Rusty Loves You, peace, love happiness, and positive vibes!


I am having a lot of deep thoughts today. 

I am really starting to struggle with my situation,  not sure where to turn. 

We have had our the three youngest grandchildren living with us since March of this year (2016). It hasn’t been easy. These kids have led a life of hell, bouncing around between the Mother, Father, my oldest daughter, and now us. They have been subjected to mental abuse, medical neglect,  and prior to us taking them, they lived with their Dad, Grandmother, Uncle and his girlfriend in a two room motel for 6 months. The oldest child has ADD, the middle child bowel issues, (which their father neglected to do anything about), and the youngest is autistic.  So needless to say they all have major issues that we are addressing.

Their mother,  our daughter is slowly getting her life together to be able to take care of them. Their father occasionally gives us money,  but hasn’t taken the time to see them or talk to them since the 21st of May. They are all a handful and Melia and I really struggle with taking care of them, we have done our best to provide them a good home, structure, and a normal a life as possible.  We have taken care of their medical needs,  we have all three of them in counseling, but lately there are days when this all becomes just too much to handle. You see as grandparents  we should be able to visit them, have them come and stay a few days,  and in general, spoil them. Not raise them! If that sounds crass, it was not meant too, but I raised my kids, did the best job we could, and was looking forward to a life in our later years of what we planned. Yes, we have good times with them, and I truly cherish those moments,  but with my wife working full time, and me being disabled with neuropathy,  I don’t sleep very well,  and I am in constant pain at levels from a rating of 2 to a 10, right now my pain level is at an 8. 

My dad is also having a rough time lately,  two weeks ago he was placed in hospice care, with all that going on with him, it has added a new level of stress in our lives.  

So there you have it, my current life in a nutshell,  and not sure where to turn to next. 

I just want things to go back to a relatively pace of normalcy. Please don’t be mad at me, or chastise  me, just understand it is very hard to remain strong through all of this. 

I really do love my family and my three beautiful grandchildren,  but sometimes I just want to scream!

Well time for me to stop, always remember Rusty loves you!


Blessed are they who understand

My faltering step and shaking hand.

Blessed are they who know my ears today
Must strain to hear the things they say.

Blessed are they who seem to know
My eyes are dim and my answers slow.

Blessed are they who look away
When my tea was spilled at the table today.

Blessed are they who with a cheery smile
Will stop to chat for a little while.

Blessed are they who never say
“You’ve told that story twice today.”

Blessed are they who know my ways
And bring back memories of yesterdays.

Blessed are they who ease the days
And care for me in loving ways.

Blessed are they who make it known
I’m loved, respected and not alone.

Author Unknown

                               
                   

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It has been a while since I posted to my blog, so busy taking care of my three youngest grandkids,  I don’t have much spare time these days.  I also still have to keep busy doing all my regular stuff, which includes taking care of our house,  preparing most of the meals, and keeping up with the special requests by my wife. 

Yesterday I put up a new ceiling fan in our bedroom,  this used to be a simple task for me, but with my neuropathy not so much anymore.  Today I am in major pain, and I just need to rest,  but as they say no rest for the wicked.

I am trying to be relaxed and less political these days, not the easiest ask to do. More about peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes. 

I really am trying hard to be a better person, stay positive,  upbeat,  and not complain about things, but sometimes it is hard to not complain, on days like today when the pain is almost unbearable,  and you just want to cry, but I do my next to remain strong. 
Oh well life goes on, and I don’t expect it to beveryone perfect. 
Just always remember Rusty loves you!


First of all let me say that I am not seeking sympathy by my blog today. I am seeking understanding, so more people can understand what it is like to live, and battle Chronic pain everyday. I have hereditary peripheral neuropathy, now complicated by Type II Diabetes. One of the issues I battle with is, I look fine, It is harder when people can’t see your disability.
Causes and descriptions of Neuropathy.

My wife and I were watching a program on Chronic Pain sufferers, during the program the question was asked of each individual, “Have you considered suicide?” this prompted my wife to ask me the suicide question, my answer was yes, I have thought about it, but know I do not consider it as an option. She started weeping and said “I never knew it was that bad for you.” I told her I am pretty good at hiding my pain, as I do not want to burden my family or others with it.

I watched my Mother go through it from grimacing in pain, crying, moaning when all she wanted to do was relax, all the while her condition was getting worse from not being able to drive, and finally before she passed away, not being able to walk. In addition to this taking every pain medication that was made available to her, and none of them improving her quality of life. I loved my Mom very dearly, and I miss her every day.

I myself made a personal decision not to take pain pills of any kind, I am not bragging about how well I manage it, but after watching my Mother, and My Father-In-Law (For a different health issue) take pain medications, it has made me make the decision not to take them.

For the most part I am pretty good at hiding my pain, yes sometimes I complain about it, but those are on the days when it is at the level of a strong 10, based on the 1 thru 10 numbering system, sometimes I should respond with it is at a 15, yes it does hurt that bad. I am never not in pain, my pain levels for the most part average around a 5, last night when my wife and I were talking it was at a 7. She asked my why I do not tell her how bad it is, I guess it is because I want her to be happy, and not burdened with my pain. As I write this blog today my pain is at a 5.

It is sometimes scary when I think about the future, the possibility of no longer being able to drive, losing my ability to walk, right now I do fairly well, with the exception of my balance issues, which are getting worse, which has forced me to use a cane when walking long distances.

So far most of the time, I do not take anything for pain, not even over the counter pain medications. I use mind over matter, and it works if you concentrate hard enough.

I have tried marijuana, and it really worked, for the first time in years my pain was completely gone, I had a feeling of euphoria, the reasons I have chosen not to continue to use it are #1 It’s still illegal in Utah, #2 Not really a fan of getting high. I do have a CBD Oil vape, that helps on the really bad pain days, but I do want to use it all the time. I do not want anything to be a crutch in my daily existence.

Due to my health issues, and a terrible job market for people over the age of 50, we lost most everything we worked for all of our lives, my career making a 6 digit income, our home, most of our possessions, we are on the road to recovery, but with what my wife makes and me living off of SSDI, it is a slow process.
That brings me to the discussion of legalizing Medical Marijuana, even though I may choose not to use it, it should be a right for anyone else to do so. In my personal opinion any politician, Doctor, and anyone in the medical profession who is against it, is being pressured by Big Pharmaceutical, with their kickbacks, and payouts, or they are taking the prescription mind altering pain meds, and don’t care. As far as it Medical Marijuana being a “Gateway” Drug, there is no proof of that, but there is proof that opioid painkillers are a “Gateway” to Heroin. Not to mention the high incidents of Opioid overdoses. We need to legalize Medical Marijuana.
Opioid addiction
Cannaboids
I closing today, I just want to say thank you for your understanding, and life goes on!

As always Rusty Loves you, peace, love, and happiness!

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So many thoughts these days, as life goes on. Watched a movie late last night that was supposed to be in 1969, it sure brought back a lot of fond memories of life back then. yes, there were many hot and volatile issues going on, but I guess I was young enough still to feel that life was so much simpler. I have friends that are a few years older than me, and I am sure they dealt with much more issues in 1969 than I did.

I guess that brings me to my thoughts today, I am deeply concerned about what is happening in our country, I feel that it is more divided now that has ever been in my lifetime. People are supporting a candidate for President, that is a purveyor of hate, some are saying that he is just saying what we have all been thinking. So are we a bunch a hate filled racists, do we all want to attack people for their beliefs, just because we do not agree with them? He does not speak for me, I learned a long to ago to change the person I was, and hating other people is not in me anymore, I do not have to agree with them, or their beliefs, it is not my right to judge them. Yes, like I said I have made some bad decisions in the past, but at least I admit to it, and I am willing to change that. Back to being concerned about our country, it is scary to see it become so divided, it seems that hard core right wing, and the hard core left wing aren’t even willing to try to compromise on anything. Hopefully we can change that, instead of trading insults with each other.

I just wish we could all work together and fix the real problems we have today. Instead of listing them, I will let you decide what is most important.

I was going to say a lot more in this post today, but decided that is was more important to stay away for more subjects, that would create animosity.

Peace, love, and happiness,

As always Rusty loves you!

peace love happiness

no hate

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respect

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