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Living life one day at a time:

 

Not trying to sound like a saint, or a crybaby, just telling a little of my story, as it is.

 

I will explain a little about what has happened to me in my life. My wife and I have been married over 43 years, we were very young, she was 17, and I was 18, we didn’t have any children for the first 4 and a half years, so we did get a chance to grow up a little.  We pretty much have always had kids or relatives living with us. Our oldest lived with us after she got married and stayed until 7 years ago, we have taken in stray kids that were friends of our three daughters, in 1997 we moved back to Utah from CA, and bought an old 7 bedroom farmhouse, it was a two story, with two kitchens, and after our oldest moved out we let me niece and her husband move in upstairs, also during that time, our youngest and her husband moved in with us for two years, out middle daughter also moved in and out three times, my wife’s niece was going to be homeless, and her and her 3 boys moved in for a year. we also helped a couple more of our daughters friends during their rough and trying times, by opening our house to them, seems like we were always the place for people we knew falling on hard times as a place to go, we never said no to anyone in need.

That all fell apart in 2011, when I lost my job and became disabled due to severe neuropathy. I still tried to find work to no avail, we sold everything we owned trying to stay in that house, finally losing it in 2013, we were forced to live with our middle daughter and her husband for a year, finally my disability money kicked in and we now live in a small 3 bedroom manufactured home, thought we were going to be alone when I found out an old business associate was going to be homeless, we let her move in for a few months. I still had that open door policy.

Then last March we took in our three youngest grandchildren, their lives have been very rough and each of them have their own special needs, the oldest has ADHD, the middle one is working through medical bowel issues, the youngest is autistic, so between doctors, school, counseling, and all the other things that come with raising 3 young children it has taken it’s toll on the two of us, to top that off in January of 2015, my father came back to UT, due to his health moved in with my sister, and because she still worked I became his chauffeur, working with the VA, and his doctor appointments, which averaged 8 a month, sometimes more, he passed away at 89 this last October, which again really affected me, because in the 19 months he was here our relationship grew closer then ever, but, I still had to take care of the grandkids, it didn’t leave me much time to grieve, that could have been good though.  It seems that our other grandkids have grown more distant from us, they used to come  and spend the weekends with us a couple of times a month, not sure if they are just growing up and and spending the night and Nana and Papa’s is not as fun anymore, but I do miss them a lot.  I do not mean to sound like a jerk, but I do appreciate the time when my daughter can take them, this is the first time in the year since we took them in that we have been without them for a week, so yes I am looking forward to some free time for just myself and my wife. I do love my family very much, and would do anything I could for them. I hope I didn’t bore you with the book I just wrote, I just wanted you to know where I am coming from, and all the while I still have my disability and I am in constant pain, but I live with that.

 

As always I will close with Rusty Loves you, peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes.
Update:

The grandkids are now with their Aunt Sarah until their Mom can take them. I am going to start working on myself, I have been told by a few people that I have aged a lot in that year, even my doctor told me I have to start taking better care of myself. So my goal for 2017 is to try to get my health back in the right track. 

I have a lot of issues to work through, I will keep you all updated as hopefully I progress to better things.

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I am having a lot of deep thoughts today. 

I am really starting to struggle with my situation,  not sure where to turn. 

We have had our the three youngest grandchildren living with us since March of this year (2016). It hasn’t been easy. These kids have led a life of hell, bouncing around between the Mother, Father, my oldest daughter, and now us. They have been subjected to mental abuse, medical neglect,  and prior to us taking them, they lived with their Dad, Grandmother, Uncle and his girlfriend in a two room motel for 6 months. The oldest child has ADD, the middle child bowel issues, (which their father neglected to do anything about), and the youngest is autistic.  So needless to say they all have major issues that we are addressing.

Their mother,  our daughter is slowly getting her life together to be able to take care of them. Their father occasionally gives us money,  but hasn’t taken the time to see them or talk to them since the 21st of May. They are all a handful and Melia and I really struggle with taking care of them, we have done our best to provide them a good home, structure, and a normal a life as possible.  We have taken care of their medical needs,  we have all three of them in counseling, but lately there are days when this all becomes just too much to handle. You see as grandparents  we should be able to visit them, have them come and stay a few days,  and in general, spoil them. Not raise them! If that sounds crass, it was not meant too, but I raised my kids, did the best job we could, and was looking forward to a life in our later years of what we planned. Yes, we have good times with them, and I truly cherish those moments,  but with my wife working full time, and me being disabled with neuropathy,  I don’t sleep very well,  and I am in constant pain at levels from a rating of 2 to a 10, right now my pain level is at an 8. 

My dad is also having a rough time lately,  two weeks ago he was placed in hospice care, with all that going on with him, it has added a new level of stress in our lives.  

So there you have it, my current life in a nutshell,  and not sure where to turn to next. 

I just want things to go back to a relatively pace of normalcy. Please don’t be mad at me, or chastise  me, just understand it is very hard to remain strong through all of this. 

I really do love my family and my three beautiful grandchildren,  but sometimes I just want to scream!

Well time for me to stop, always remember Rusty loves you!

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First of all let me say that I am not seeking sympathy by my blog today. I am seeking understanding, so more people can understand what it is like to live, and battle Chronic pain everyday. I have hereditary peripheral neuropathy, now complicated by Type II Diabetes. One of the issues I battle with is, I look fine, It is harder when people can’t see your disability.
Causes and descriptions of Neuropathy.

My wife and I were watching a program on Chronic Pain sufferers, during the program the question was asked of each individual, “Have you considered suicide?” this prompted my wife to ask me the suicide question, my answer was yes, I have thought about it, but know I do not consider it as an option. She started weeping and said “I never knew it was that bad for you.” I told her I am pretty good at hiding my pain, as I do not want to burden my family or others with it.

I watched my Mother go through it from grimacing in pain, crying, moaning when all she wanted to do was relax, all the while her condition was getting worse from not being able to drive, and finally before she passed away, not being able to walk. In addition to this taking every pain medication that was made available to her, and none of them improving her quality of life. I loved my Mom very dearly, and I miss her every day.

I myself made a personal decision not to take pain pills of any kind, I am not bragging about how well I manage it, but after watching my Mother, and My Father-In-Law (For a different health issue) take pain medications, it has made me make the decision not to take them.

For the most part I am pretty good at hiding my pain, yes sometimes I complain about it, but those are on the days when it is at the level of a strong 10, based on the 1 thru 10 numbering system, sometimes I should respond with it is at a 15, yes it does hurt that bad. I am never not in pain, my pain levels for the most part average around a 5, last night when my wife and I were talking it was at a 7. She asked my why I do not tell her how bad it is, I guess it is because I want her to be happy, and not burdened with my pain. As I write this blog today my pain is at a 5.

It is sometimes scary when I think about the future, the possibility of no longer being able to drive, losing my ability to walk, right now I do fairly well, with the exception of my balance issues, which are getting worse, which has forced me to use a cane when walking long distances.

So far most of the time, I do not take anything for pain, not even over the counter pain medications. I use mind over matter, and it works if you concentrate hard enough.

I have tried marijuana, and it really worked, for the first time in years my pain was completely gone, I had a feeling of euphoria, the reasons I have chosen not to continue to use it are #1 It’s still illegal in Utah, #2 Not really a fan of getting high. I do have a CBD Oil vape, that helps on the really bad pain days, but I do want to use it all the time. I do not want anything to be a crutch in my daily existence.

Due to my health issues, and a terrible job market for people over the age of 50, we lost most everything we worked for all of our lives, my career making a 6 digit income, our home, most of our possessions, we are on the road to recovery, but with what my wife makes and me living off of SSDI, it is a slow process.
That brings me to the discussion of legalizing Medical Marijuana, even though I may choose not to use it, it should be a right for anyone else to do so. In my personal opinion any politician, Doctor, and anyone in the medical profession who is against it, is being pressured by Big Pharmaceutical, with their kickbacks, and payouts, or they are taking the prescription mind altering pain meds, and don’t care. As far as it Medical Marijuana being a “Gateway” Drug, there is no proof of that, but there is proof that opioid painkillers are a “Gateway” to Heroin. Not to mention the high incidents of Opioid overdoses. We need to legalize Medical Marijuana.
Opioid addiction
Cannaboids
I closing today, I just want to say thank you for your understanding, and life goes on!

As always Rusty Loves you, peace, love, and happiness!

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The legacy we have created together

At this time of year I always get feeling a little melancholy.

Christmas to me means Family!

As a child it was the family being together on Christmas morning, happy faces, but most of all just being a family. Going to visit the grandparents, and seeing all the relatives. It really wasn’t about the presents, it was being a family.

As we got older and had children of our own, it was again Christmas morning with all the smiling happy faces, and getting the rest of our family together to celebrate the day. I did my best to keep the going as long as I could.

Now it just my family, my three daughters, and their families. But it seems so hard to get us all together at the same time, it feels like we are all going different directions, and it saddens me at times.

I truly do love my family, and they are the world to me, the most constant person I can always count on being there is my beautiful wife Melia.

Okay time to get off the melancholy and be happy.

I do hope the holidays bring happiness to everyone I know.

As always Rusty Loves You!

40 years together renewing our vows October 26th 2013

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS

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Hurt


Sometimes people just hurt you without really knowing it, and sometimes they hurt you out of spite. You can be rude, nasty, and mean, but when you hurt someone it not only goes to the heart but it goes to the bone! You can apologize but it does not take the hurt away.

I learned back in the 80′s not to hurt someone, and I am not talking about physically hurting someone, I am talking about mentally hurting someone. Unfortunately I made that mistake, and even though I apologized to the friend I hurt, our relationship was never the same, and it was all my fault.

Please think about what you say before you say it, you cannot take back hurt!

Sometimes someone puts their heart and soul into something, and when you mock it, or attack it you can truly hurt that person, it has happened to me.

Tis easier to hurt than heal. ~German proverb

A stiff apology is a second insult. . . The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~Gilbert K. Chesterton

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do. Dale Carnegie

Please think about what you say before you say it, you cannot take back hurt!

I really like what his quote form the Dalai Lama says!

I just think, there are times when people need to think about what they are saying before they say it, because hurts cuts deep.

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As always Rusty loves you!

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Just be happy and upbeat!


Just thought I would add something good to my blog today, I hope you enjoy!

I really like what his quote form the Dalai Lama says!

 We believe

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So everyone have a great day, and always remember Rusty Loves you!

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I just do not understand why there is so much hate.

I really feel a lot of the hate we are experiencing today is generated by politicians, the government, and the media. They want to keep us divided, because a divided people are easier to control.

I know some friends of mine will not be happy when I say this, but a lot of hate is also generated by the ultra right wing conservatives, and the Tea Party.
They claim to want to re-enforce the constitution, but my question is where in the constitution does it say to hate?

Rather than put the entire constitution in here I will give you a link

http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/print_friendly.html?page=constitution_transcript_content.html&title=The%20Constitution%20of%20the%20United%20States%3A%20A%20Transcription

When are we all going to accept the we are all humans, and that is just it. We need to quit separating us by names.

As long as it does not directly affect me, or my family who cares what you do in your own world.

I am so tired of hearing the argument that you are just exercising your religious freedom. Show me poof as to where God and any god you believe in that says it is okay to hate someone, for their race, sex, lifestyle, LBGT or anything like that.

I guess I am living a pipe dream hoping that one day we will accept everyone no matter who they are.

I just want it all to stop.

You do have the power as an individual to make some changes, change it within yourself, preach love not hate, pretty simple isn’t it.

We do not have to accept that is the way it is.

I do feel John Lennon said it all with this great song.

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Szekely Janos


As always Rusty loves you!

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